5 Trends That Can Beat It in 2013

1. Celebrity Bump Stalking

Is anyone worried that the internet might implode given that Kate Middleton and Kim Kardashian are both expecting babies this year?  Gisele will probably pop out another one just to prove that she can bounce back the quickest by breastfeeding and doing yoga at the same time, while Ryan Seacrest laughs all the way to the bank.  Gross.  Remember when celebrity gossip used to be about sex, drugs, and rock n’ roll?  So I’m a purist.  Beat it.

2. Expecting Government To Finally Get It Right (or the media for that matter)

Let’s all just step back, take a breath, and stop having such high expectations for our elected officials and the majority of the talking heads that report on them.  Taxes are going up. So is the deficit.  The income gap is widening. Listening to Wolf Blitzer repeat the same soundbites on a 24 hour loop isn’t going to change any of it.  If a circus takes place in D.C. but there’s no one there to watch it, is it really happening at all?  I did my part and voted so just beat it.  At least until the winter’s over and I’m in a better mood.

3. Hipster Successory Posters

“Oh Darling, let’s follow our dreams, eschew society’s expectations of us, dance in the rain/moonlight/dappled sunlight of an orange grove, and remember that there’s still time to be who we are born/meant/yearning to be.”

They pull you in with the fancy typography, clever graphic design, that uncanny way of awakening your inner artist, and speaking right to the specialness that is you.  They’re the modern versions of horoscopes. Beat it.

Also included in this category?  Stretched canvases with lists of family rules, mottos to live by, and other aspirational blather.  Stop cluttering up my HomeGoods and beat. it.

4. Food Trends Of The Moment

I’m looking at you cake pops, crock pots, and cake frosting techniques.  I’m tired of seeing you on Pinterest, being assaulted by your devoted, uni-tasking small appliances at every store, and feeling like maybe I should get on the bandwagon before it’s too late.  No one wants a cookbook dedicated to cooking in a cast-iron skillet over a campfire.  And if you do, slowly step away from the cookbook.

I’m not saying that any of these things need to disappear completely, just stop acting like you’ve discovered how to turn water into wine every time a new recipe comes along.  You mean I can make a bunch of food, put it in the freezer, and then it will be ready to save me time and effort on nights I don’t feel like cooking!?!?!?!  Miraculous!  Must post to facebook and proselytize to everyone I know!

Don’t try to tell me that cupcakes/hand pies/hand-rolled truffles are the wave of the future.  I get it.  Everyone loves tiny desserts.  Seriously, beat it.

5. Not Taking Lunch Breaks

What in the hell is wrong with us?  The economy’s been bad for years and sitting at our desks eating lunch hasn’t solved a damn thing.  It’s bad for my health, my stress level, and my overall productivity.  I’m not going to declare this a resolution but, I’ll be damned if I continue to spend most of my time eating lunch in front of my computer screen while my salary stagnates.  The Europeans are laughing at us even if their own economies are in shambles.  The Man can beat it.

Now, what did I miss?