5 Valentine’s Day Gifts That Might End Your Relationship
It seemed wrong to post today without mentioning (and wishing those of you celebrating a happy) Valentine’s Day. I won’t bore you with the whole predictable cynical-single-girl rigamarole that you’ll see on your Facebook feed and in crappy sitcoms all day. Instead, I’ve got some substance here; some real-life advice and horizon-expanding gift ideas that I think you might have to thank me for later.
See, when you’re in love, you love anything the one you love gives you on Valentine’s Day. Chalky, vaguely flavored conversation hearts become adorable. Teddy bears holding red satin hearts are thoughtful. Chocolates with the gooey centers that are 90% undesirable are so sweet. I’d like to see somebody really push those limits and give any of what follows to their sweetheart if only just to confuse the sh*t out of them.
Maybe this is why I’m single.
1. Brief Jerky
It’s a good thing this is DIY (click for full instructions!), because they already sold out on Etsy. Looks easy enough, right? And, it’s a feel good gift since it’s green…low on packaging. In more ways than one. Snap into your Slim Jim!
You know, because everyone needs to stay warm in the winter. Also, it’s so unique, none of her friends will have it! She’ll definitely appreciate all of the work that went into this gift, and it will make her feel like the beautiful, powerful, whale-killing brut she is.
You could include a card that says “This reminded me of you.”
4. The “I Will Always Love You” Gift Pack
Make a weekend of it, and top it off with a romantic memorial necklace/lamp pull. Too soon? Regretsy started it.
Again, you care for your loved one’s comfort and warmth in the winter. “Sweetie, You’re always complaining about your left arm being so hot. The purple goes really well with your favorite blue spandex, too.” Buy two and you’ll have half a sweater for $400!
Which one is your favorite? I dare you to send me more bad ideas.